Perverse Osmosis It's Not Easy Being a Minor Demon - Perverse Osmosis

It’s Not Easy Being a Minor Demon

DemonThere was always paperwork to fill out; there is always a change of address form; there is never any doubt as to who is in command. Although on the average, Drim’kor liked being a bone devil. He was high enough up the ranks to not have to do all the terrible work such as herding lumure or cleaning up after a slaad raid. The other devils he worked with were pretty good companions for being devils. He never considered himself a dissatisfied devil, but there were days.

Grzz’tr cursed as he wandered from hut to hovel, occasionally smashing one fist into another as he wandered. One of the great difficulties of navigating the Abyss is there are no addresses anywhere; how can there be addresses in planes that constantly shift in size and shape? Wherever the hezrou was now was particularly unpleasant with the stench of open sewers in the air. Whatever demon lord ran this specific growing part of the ever-reaching Abyss would either have to have grown immune to the smell or driven insane by it.

Drim’kor was not pleased that he was once again summoned for. He knew it was part of his position as a bone devil; he also knew that part of the frequency of his summonings was political in nature. To be fair, all things in the Nine Hells are political. But Drim’kor felt that going prime material three times in the last fortnight was pushing it even for his superiors. He found the protection circle, stepped inside, and waited for whomever on the other side finished their spell. Then he hoped that this same whomever smudge their protection circle, allowing Drim’kor an opportunity to get some much deserved freedom.

Grzz’tr finally returned back to his cave after another fruitless day spent trying to find a vrock who was rumored to have found out the herzou’s real name. The demon didn’t think that the rumor was true–he was conscious of the secrecy needed around a demon’s true name–and because of this need for secrecy, Grzz’tr wanted to see if the rumor was true. But the vrock either had already been killed or deep in hiding. Dropping on a pile of furs, the tired demon stretched his limbs. Suddenly, Grzz’tr felt the air grow cold and start to shimmer.

The halfling noticed the white smudge on the ground; as he bent down to examine it, three ideas hit him almost simultaneously. The first: this is chalk. The second: it is chalk in what looks like a circle. The third, and this thought was longer, which perhaps explained why it came last: chalk plus circle equals circle of protection. Liligar looked up and realized that he was not the only party member to have walked over the circle; the barbarian and the cleric had followed him. The thief did not know what was going to happen, but it was not going to be good.

The bone devil quickly realized what had happened; he didn’t know why, but he did know that the circle of protection had been broken and he was free, free to kill. Drim’kor attacked. The dwarf was closest to the summoned monster; Dorengar tried to grab his sword but the devil was far faster. Swinging downward with his bone hook, Drim’kor cut a long, wicked gash in the fighter’s arm. Before the dwarf could react, the devil used his innate fly ability and moved out of range.

Karyn smelled an acrid stench, drawing her attention away from the surprising appearance of the bone devil. The smell grew more powerful and then, with an ear-popping bang, the cleric found herself face to face with a type II demon. Grzz’tr swung his right and then his left claw, catching the unsuspecting cleric with both. He could smell her fear as he bit deeply into her arm, enjoying the taste of the cleric’s warm blood.

Drim’lok was not expecting his effort to gate one of his companions to work, but there were times when working in an iron-clad bureaucracy was advantageous. But it had worked, and now the party faced two bone devils and a type II demon. Drim’lok was engaged with the paladin, while the other bone devil was casting darkness and harassing the magic-user and druid. The paladin wielded his weapon with all the fury of St. Cuthbert, but Drim’lok was relentless. He slowly wore Rodericke down, using the bone hook to rip large chunks of the paladin’s exposed flesh.

Grzz’tr had no idea how the devils had appeared or why the party was caught in between two netherworld rivals. But the demon certainly planned on taking advantage of it. He tossed aside the unconscious cleric to the side, only to have a crossbow bolt catch him high in the shoulder. He quickly levitated and then used telekinesis to throw a table in the direction of the bolt. The magic-user’s back was to the demon, hands waving in all directions as she prepared a spell. Grzz’tr dropped in behind her and attacked, her neck unprotected from demonic jaws.

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      It's Not Easy Being a Minor Demon

Sing Along!

Always know where you stand, always know the chain of command
Always sit at their left hand
Never know who's the best, never know how to confess
Never know your address

Chorus:
It's not easy being a minor demon
Whether it's vrock, dretch, or rutterkin
It's not easy being a lesser devil
Whether you're bone, bearded, ice or barbed

Always filling out paperwork, always summoned by some jerk
Always doing Moloch's dirty work
Never knowing who's to blame, never letting them know your name
Never supporting Orcus's reign

[chorus]

Always obey Asmodeus's rule, always act as Greyon's tool
Always act as Dispater's fool
Never believing Graz'zt's lies, never trusting Demogorgon's eyes
Never listening to Juiblex's cries

[chorus]

Always kill the magic-users first, always drink blood to quench my thirst
Always try to do my worst
Never cast a second glance, never damaged by spear or lance
Never give the party a fighting chance

[chorus (1/2)]