A new Perverse Osmosis song is “Ghoul-Ghast Go-Go Party.” One of the lines in the song is “Hey you monsters aren’t so bad.”  Perverse Osmosis lies. Ghoul and Ghast: not pleasant monsters to run into. Sure, I know that I mentioned how they were better than carrion crawlers, but come on, that is setting the bar pretty low. I can count on one Beholder the amount of creatures that are worse than carrion crawlers. Off the top of my head I would say black pudding, green slime, gelatinous cubes, and rot grubs. It is not much of a compliment to be better than a rot grub.

But ghouls and ghasts? They aren’t hard to hit: a ghoul has an armor class of 6 and a ghast an AC of 4. They can be hit with normal weapons; a decent cleric can turn them. Despite all this, they cause parties a surprising amount of problems. The paralyzing touch of the ghoul and the vomit-inducing stench of the ghast ended the careers of many a Krobar the Invincible or Erivast, Servant of Pholtus. There are usually several of the encountered at a time, and the Monster Manual claims that ghouls “have a terrible cunning.”

This cunning leads to the surprise ending of “

There's no reason to be sad

The Carrion Crawler is a terrible monster, and no party should have compunctions about killing them. I know that some choose-up-siders and the Council of Burneal Druids may claim that even carrion crawlers have a right to live in peaceful existence with the other corpse-eating dungeon dwelling denizens. But I say no! It is time to stand up to tolerance, to draw a line in the sand, to take up a policy of firm and violent destruction.

Look at the name and that is all there is to know: these creatures crawl on carrion. That’s it, that is what they do. After the party slays a bunch of stupid goblins or ambushes the gnoll trading party, who goes out into the hallway and crawls on the mutilated bodies? I will give you one guess, and the answers are neither ghoul nor ghast. Ghouls and ghasts have the common decency to wait until the body is buried. The carrion crawler does not even give Fr’llok the Goblin that level of respect. I hate goblins as much as the next neutral evil fighter, and I have never once crawled on their bodies. To be accurate, one time I did crawl on some goblin bodies but that was consensual.

Of course, the Perverse Osmosis song “Beware the Crawler” does not support above rant. In the song, the party is given extra experience for sneaking around the monster, thus the line “the way around is to make no sound.” “Crawler” was the song that I learned how a break worked when I was drumming [which should give some indication of the unrefined nature of early PO]. I hated this song for quite some time; only “Make it today” is more hated by me. Although the version of “MIT” is insane on the Nerdfest 2008 show.

Freezing cold our imperiled souls

Why Uriah Heep Doesn’t Suck:

These songs are all on Demons and Wizards, Uriah Heep’s fourth album

“Traveler in Time”
“Easy Livin'”
“Rainbow Demon”

Of course, the naysayers and choose-up-siders may claim that the same album also includes both “Poet’s Justice” and “Circle of Hands,” which may have the worse/best progressive rock line: “Today is only yesterday’s tomorrow.”

Heep also directly influenced Perverse Osmosis: “Berserker” is a once-removed descendant. Two interesting facts about “Berserker”: the original chorus only featured the word “berserker” once, instead of the three times. That was too fast even for PO, so Ultra suggested the chorus that ended up on the album. The second fact is the organ material is straight out of Heep; some would claim borrowed, I claim stolen like a 10th level thief who pulls off “hide in shadows,” “move silently,” “find/remove trap” and steals the gems and potions in one of the rooms from Tomb of Horrors.

The Breathing Dead

Roosevelt’s secret lab
Something’s gone bad
They look just like you and me

Some drive cars,
Some play guitars,
In their quasi demi-humanity

Mirror to their face
They still respirate
The Breathing Dead, the Breathing Dead

Coming after you
There’s nothing you can do
The Breathing Dead, the Breathing Dead

Some are on meth,
But they all equal death
Slaying us all with their hideous coffin breath

Stab them with a knife
They’ll still play the fife
It’s the end of your living life

Mirror to their face
They still respirate
The Breathing Dead, the Breathing Dead

Coming after you
There’s nothing you can do
The Breathing Dead, the Breathing Dead

Breathing, Breathing, Breathing, Breathing, Breathing Dead

The cave seemed so beautiful
As happy as could be
Not a single hint or clue of the
Upcoming butchery

Many tasteful paintings
Were hanging on the wall
The thief was busy calculating
the value of them all

Then in the air around us
There was a fragrant smell
Little did the party know we
Were doomed to hell.

He’s a tiger
A tiger
A tiger in an Ascot

A tiger
A tiger
But he’s nobody’s mascot

He’s a tiger
A tiger
A tiger in an Ascot

A tiger
A tiger
Hope the paladin gives him gut rot

Ranger was the first to go
Magic missile in his eye
Cleric drew her plus two mace
Not at all afraid to die

Swung the weapon at him
But she only rolled a five
That miss ended any chance
Of getting out alive

He’s a tiger
A tiger
A tiger in an Ascot

A tiger
A tiger
But he’s nobody’s mascot

He’s a tiger
A tiger
A tiger in an Ascot

A tiger
A tiger
Hope the paladin gives him gut rot

Thief stabs the assassin
Assassin stabs the thief
Two more foolish victims
of his telepathic feats

Fighter tries to save us
With his crossbow of speed
Shot the paladin several times
Another illusionary deed

He’s a tiger
A tiger
A tiger in an Ascot

A tiger
A tiger
But he’s nobody’s mascot

He’s a tiger
A tiger
A tiger in an Ascot

A tiger
A tiger
Hope the paladin gives him gut rot